As if picky eaters, artificial colors, trans fats, excessive sugar and sodium content weren't enough to stress out any nutrient conscience mother, now it's mercury. That's right, mercury in our foods. Granted, in trace amounts that probably won't do significant damage unless ingested in alarming quantities, but it's there. Scientists recently tested high-fructose corn syrup and discovered as much as 0.570 micrograms of mercury per gram. The average American consumes roughly 50 grams daily, give or take depending on diet. However, pregnant mothers should be wary of what they eat since mercury passes to the baby and there is no "safe" level determined for developing fetuses.

The Institute for Agriculture and Trade published their own research findings along with a list of foods and beverages high in HFCS that top the list. View the complete list here.

What's the top ten on the list?
1. Quaker Oatmeal to Go
2. Jack Daniel’s Barbecue Sauce (Heinz)
3. Hershey's Chocolate Syrup
4. Kraft Original Barbecue Sauce
5. Nutri‐Grain Strawberry Cereal Bars
6. Manwich Bold Sloppy Joe
7. Market Pantry Grape Jelly
8. Smucker’s Strawberry Jelly
9. Pop‐Tarts Frosted Blueberry
10. Hunt's Tomato Ketchup

Scientific journal publishing one study in Environmental Health
Institute for Agriculture and Trade report

We took Joshua to an ADHD Center on Friday to get a second opinion on whether he's ADHD/ADD. Joshua likely has ADD or ADHD. Although the doctor we met can't officially diagnosis him as such until he starts public school, he felt confident that Joshua would be, so we're going to treat him as though he does. We'll let his teachers know in kindergarten next year that he'll have an attention deficit and higher energy than his peers and may be a distraction to others. It also explains his pants wetting. The doctor told us that children with ADHD/ADD tend to take longer with potty training (i.e. they wet themselves more frequently) because they don't listen to their bodies, they're so distracted with the surroundings. I know you're thinking, "Josh is hyper? Surely you jest!" But it felt good to get some official confirmation so we know what we're truly dealing with and can respond effectively. The frequent wetting seems less of a choice now so I'm a little less mad when he wets himself and a little less discouraged about how long it's taking to get past the frequent wetting. We both agreed no drugs until he's at least in first grade, and then we'll carefully evaluate the options. The center offers play therapy and we may consider that later on. But for now we're content to have a specialist for extra guidance.

I've added ads to my blog near the bottom of the sidebar. If you ever feel compelled to click on something I get paid a small amount for that click. Of course you're not obligated to do anything, buy anything, join anything or anything.

I'm playing with new backgrounds. I haven't 100% settled on one yet so it may change in the next few hours/days. If you have opinions, let me know!

I start my new part-time job next Monday morning. I'm prepared and excited. I even filled out a W-4 form online from irs.gov. I love the internet!

Tonight I'm heading out for a Mom's Night Out with some friends. Then I get to come home to a new episode of Project Runway. This is MY day, my last free day for a little while. I've become a bit less motivated, less go-getter in the last several months of dwindling freelance work and added freedom of kids being in pre-school. I'm looking forward to re-entry into working life.

"Are these pickles?" Josh asked of the sauteed squash and zucchini.
"No, they're zuu, uh yeah! they're zukes! Zukes are cooked pickle slices and are really yummy."
He reluctantly nibbles a bite then tells me he doesn't like them. Oh well, I tried.

My birthday was this weekend. I got flowers, books, circuit board earrings and digital cash for new music. I also got a massage that Rusty scheduled for me at the massage place up the road. The best part about my birthday was a surprise visit from our friend Dave who decided to drop by randomly after dinner. He didn't know it was my birthday but it was a nice end to my day. We drank wine and talked about various topics ranging from politics to weight loss.

Then I woke up early and cranky this morning no thanks to two noisy needy kiddos.

Joshua got a haircut this afternoon. He looks very handsome again. We're planning Elliot's fist cut for his second birthday. His hair grows slowly like mine. Next week Friday we've made an appointment to take Joshua to a clinic for a second opinion concerning his attention deficit. We're thinking he has or will have ADD. In preschool he doesn't always participate with his classmates, he zones out easily, in karate he has a 2 second delay in following commands, and he continues to wet himself. We're now wondering if he's wetting himself so frequently b/c he's not able to focus on what his body is telling him. Another theory Rusty holds is the possibility of him having diabetes but I doubt he does. We don't want to put him on medication, we want some guidance in how to effectively handle his excess energy and lack of focus. Perhaps with a bit of direction, he'll be better suited for school next Fall.

Elliot, in other news, has become our little parrot. He's making 2-3 word sentences, repeating words and phrases, and now trying to sing. His singing is only two or three notes worth, but it's so adorable to hear him. He tries to sing "row row your boat", "bring back my bonnie", "daisy daisy" and "twinkle twinkle little star". He LOVES it when we sing. If you count along with him, he can count to ten. But all is not so adorable. His latest thing is to shout "MOM!" repeatedly to get my attention. And usually it's for something seemingly inane like to say he's got his cup or there's the cat or to demonstrate the sound of thunder. That part is cute, but being yelled at in rapid fire succession for attention: MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!... is not cute. It's annoying and I look forward to him growing out of that quirk.

I must make a confession. I bought ground turkey flavored like Italian sausage then cooked it into a lasagna. When Rusty praised me for cooking with sausage for once (he really likes sausage in his lasagnas as opposed to ground beef) I didn't correct him. I smiled and hoped he won't inspect the meat packing too much. The kids loved it, I loved it, Rusty loved it- so who's to complain! I feel like if I had told him up front that it was turkey instead of pork sausage he would be more iffy on the meal, perhaps more critical or chide me for trying yet again to be stealthily healthy. So why bother telling? It's my little secret until he reads this posting.

I left a birthday message for my cousin Alysia this morning. Joshua over-heard the call:

Josh: "Is she having a birthday today?"
Me: "Yes, today is my cousin's birthday."
"Yay!! That's great! Oh boy! When daddy comes home we can go see her and-"
"Oh Josh, no, she lives far far away. We aren't going to a birthday party."
"She lives far away?"
"Yep. We'd have to take a fast plane to go see her."
A thoughtful moment then, "I have an idea!! When Elliot takes his nap, then we can take a fast plane and go to her birthday!"

This kid sure likes a party. Maybe some day he will make a flying car like he says he wants to.

Yesterday we spent the day at Fossil Rim Wildlife Park in Glen Rose, TX. Unlike most zoos, this is a free range environment where visitors drive through the park in their cars on a designated (bumpy) road. This was a first for all of us. For anyone planning to go, be prepared to see lots of variety of deer. There's more types of deer than any other species combined. We did see the cheetah, the rhino, emus, ostriches, yaks, buffalo, zebras and giraffes. And TONS of deer. The kids loved two things: feeding the animals and riding in the front of the car with us. It was a novelty that never grew old.

While there, at the half-way point where the kids hung out with goats and kids, I managed to drop my phone and crack the screen. I can receive calls, make calls and text, but I can't read the screen entirely. I'll go to the Sprint store today to see about a new Palm phone. The thing that sucks the most about this is that I brought my old phone to the park, which was somewhat working despite a mechanical glitch (two buttons on the key pad didn't work), to be recycled in order for us to get in half price. It sucks that the very day I finally decide to get rid of the spare phone is the very day I destroyed my good phone. >:-/

Today will be a day of chillaxing, as the new slang goes. Mowing the yard, get a replacement phone, laundry, bake a chicken, and clean the floor. Doesn't sound much like chillin' or relaxin' to be honest!

It seems that the days I go to counseling are the days I'm more tired at the end of the day. Today wasn't as emotionally charged as some other meetings have been, but I did get sad a couple times thinking about my dad's death and that I'll miss him. I'm miss his company and being able to call him and share snippets of my life with him. We didn't have a close relationship but I'll miss him anyway. I'm more at peace now with some of the stress and anger I felt before and after his death. I don't regret any of my actions, I won't play the "should've could've" game, I'm not going to simmer on negative thoughts. He had a better parental relationship with me than he had with his own parents, despite his own shortcomings. Now that I see him within this context, I understand him a little better and why he did some things the way he did.

I'm much lighter without this weight. Even Rusty noticed that lately I'm a little peppier than I had been.

I'll end on that note, I'm really tired. Besides, someone has to keep on ear on Josh who is still awake!

Joshua got his high-white belt in karate this evening. He did very good showing off what he's learned in the past three months. Before the test, the school put on a few performances where older students (grade school to young adult) did karate moves choreographed to music showing all sorts of skills like flying kicks, flips, breaking wood panels, nun-chucks, and wood poles. Joshua really liked the performances.

I have good news to report I have a job interview on Tuesday! It's the first job interview in over five years. My last employment job wasn't a typical interview but will prepare me for the meeting next week. In my last job at SAMCO Capital Markets, I came in boldly announcing they needed a new service to provide clients and they needed someone who could do it right and on the cheap and could effectively compete with a guy they hated. Once I got their attention, I brought on my manager and a colleague into the meetings. We made an agreement and thus my job began. THIS job also isn't for a particular posted position. Nobody else is competing with my resume. I need to convince the number two guy that I can bring something great their firm. I won't be proving that I'll get work done, not be late, have computers skills, etc, I'm creating a position. I'm a little nervous because I really really want to work here. I'm sure things will work out fine, but until then I'm going to be obsessed about it.

Rusty is back from working in California the week. I hate that he sent me a picture of his peach mojito one evening because I wanted to be drinking a cocktail on the patio of a nice restaurant overlooking a beach. Putz. But the boys were good to me. They hardly got into trouble, no meltdowns, only one broken bulb, crayon on the wall was washable. Things went smoothly despite not having my usual backup.

Tomorrow we're watching a marching band perform in the neighborhood. The kids will LOVE this!

Tonight is quiet except for the washing machine, dryer and dishwasher all doing my work for me. The kids are in bed and Rusty is on an airplane going to Pasadena, CA for work this week. I'm jealous he gets maid service, to eat out, sleep in a little and do non-domestic stuff for a few days. I know he's busy working in the day but... I'll get over my jealousy. Maybe I'll take myself out on a self-date next weekend. Just me and a movie ticket.

Meanwhile I've got quick healthy meals planned for the week, stuff to work on, a few shows recorded for the evenings, and a whole bed to myself. Maybe things won't be so bad.

Nel called this evening while I was driving Rusty to the airport. I hesitated whether to answer or not but decided to take the call. I wish I hadn't since it distracted my driving and cut into my last minutes with Rusty before his flight. She was feeling sad about my dad again. She just wanted someone to talk to. I told her I'm seeing a counselor to help deal with my grief and suggested she consider that, but I doubt she will. She gave me two excuses which tells me it's not her thing for whatever reason. She refuses anti-depressant drugs and refuses professional help. I hope she realizes she's not going to get a gold medal for toughing this out. Anyway, she sobbed for a bit telling me how hard it is, that she misses him, that she had no idea it would be this hard, that they had a good thing for a while. She said, "I don't know how you can be so calm. You just don't get it." She means I don't understand her loss, and she's right. I told her she had a passionate love for my dad and I did not. I had a familial love. It stands to reason that her grief will be so different, so much more intense. It also helps that when she calls I happen to be thinking of other things at the time (like driving) and not dwelling things like she is. I have no doubt that if Rusty vanished from my life that I would crumble inward much like her. The difference though, or so I speculate, is that I would seek help from all directions and find some purpose in life to keep going, like raising our children.

Her children are grown, so without professional help or medication or some new purpose, I'm at a loss for suggestions for her. So I just listen, taking it all in, offering words of comfort and hope I don't miss my exit.

Heartburn is my excuse for ice-cream tonight. :-)

Rusty is feeling under the weather this evening so I got a good double dose of kids this evening. I didn't feel like taking Joshua to karate class with Elliot in tow so we hung out at home watching Penguins of Madagascar before a bubble bath. Most of the siblings at Josh's karate class are either much older than the 3-6 year range or they're babies. Elliot is neither. He wants to be active and there's no play place at the karate school. And it's too hot to hang out outside the whole time. One of us will take him on Saturday instead to make up the missed day. He's doing good in the class. He now has five stripes on his belt, knows most of the moves and has a very good attitude in class. He is, however, very easily distracted and gets called out for that frequently. He's also smart and knows when to behave before the instructor has to reprimand him.

Elliot, my calm charmer, continues to have a language explosion. He's now using two word sentences and repeats new words and sounds constantly. He can say 'bubble bath' and 'up please' and 'go out'. He can also scream MINE! which tells me his brother is trying to take away something. But his favorite word this week is 'cookie'. I think he just likes the way the word sounds and that saying it sometimes results in a treat.

I hear thumping upstairs despite it being an hour past his bedtime. I guess there'll be no TV for me tonight. But tomorrow night, I'll be glued for two hours watching the new season of Project Runway- the only reality show I'm interested in.

I've been going to counseling for over a month, as some know, to overcome what I once thought was depression that turned out to be "complicated grief". I opted for counseling over the drug that my doctor prescribed, which is another story I'll get into another day. Counseling has opened so many wounds. Anger, grief, disappointment, frustration, self reflection and understanding all mix together in the discussions. Sometimes, like today, I come away exhausted, overcome by the emotional out pore. Other sessions are seemingly more light-weight, depending on the topic. I'm thankful my insurance company is covering these sessions. I don't know what the goal is, at what defining moment I'll be done. I just know that getting it all out to someone, someone who can interpret with a professional view, someone who is impartial and without personal history, is exactly what I needed. While I am usually very private about matters like these, I decided to leak it into my blog. I decided a few well intending people might want to know I am taking care of myself and (hopefully) growing from the ashes of my father's death.

A friend emailed to a group of mom friends this query:

We are finished with potty training but I was reading an article and don't really understand this. Can someone explain?

Discipline the lazy child. If your child gets busy playing outside, doesn't want to take the time to come in and go to the bathroom, then wets his pants and says he "forgot to go," stick to Dr. Leman's rule that "everyone only gets to use one pair of underwear per day." That means your child won't be able to play any more outside for the day. Then, the next time he'll remember to listen to his bladder.

So, what happens next? They come inside and be naked? Certainly, you don't put the diaper back on?! That makes it way too easy to not pee in the potty.

To which I replied:

We have a rule similar to that. Our limit is one change per day. If he wets his pants, he can have one more set of undies and shorts, plus no more TV or outside time. However, if he wets the second pair of clothes, we either had him go around pant-less (with undies) or put him pajamas early, depending on the time of day. In addition to no kid's shows and no more outside time, I also remind/instruct him to try to potty more frequently like every 30 minutes or hour. At our house, we no longer refer to peed-in pants as "accidents". And I'm flexible in that if his underwear is a little wet but not his shorts then he can keep his underwear if he wants (or trade for clean ones) and there's no penalty. I had to draw a line so he knew exactly when he was in trouble and when it was ok.

This technique gives intentional peeing a very undesirable outcome. On the positive, and because we got desperate, we began praising the good days (and halves of days) with verbal praise, high fives, smiles, shouting woo-hoo!, and even doling out treats like yogurt with candies mixed in, mini chocolate bars, and scoop of ice-cream. When he does good with potty training, he gets a sweet treat, TV, lots of praise and the option to play outside. And when he messes himself, he loses all that (except for praise on all other attempts throughout the day).

I'm happy to report that it seems Joshua has turned a corner and now takes himself more frequently and has fewer wet pants. I'm not sure if it's b/c of our rules or his maturity or physical awareness or some combination, but I am very glad he's finally improving! yay!!

To take it a step further, we also praise him and give a treat for going all-day with no pee in his pants. He loves getting a special treat and the praises that go with it. For a moment, it's all about him and something good he's doing. And I tell him frequently I'm proud of him.

I am helping my father in-law raise donations to the American Heart Assoc. This follows his own brush with a recent heart attack and stroke. Luckily he's fine, no major medical drama, however it's opened his eyes (and mine) to the importance of living healthy and supporting research and programs to help others experiencing heart conditions. I plan to walk and I've set a goal to raise $375. You can donate too (even as small as $25) by going to: http://heartwalk.kintera.org

Thank you!

This may be a record stretch of time between posts. A month! So much has happened and so quickly so let me start from the beginning.

July 3rd we packed up the kids' stuff and set them up at the grandparents' house. Then I packed up for an evening in Addison to watch fireworks. We also had a friend over for dinner beforehand. David, Minister of Invisibility, joined us from dinner all the way through Kaboom Town. He was so handy! I loved the extra set of hands and eyes and comic relief he brought. I highly recommend getting a Dave if you can find a good one.

Both kids really loved the fireworks. They especially loved playing in the fountain area near the center of Addison Post.

After fireworks, we managed to knock out both kids asleep in the car, transport them to their beds at the grandparent's then sneak away without incident. woo-hoo! Vacation begins!

The next morning, Rusty's dad takes us to the airport. Our flight is on-time, no incidents, we land safely, wait forever for our checked-baggage, get a metro-card. w00t!

While waiting for our first bus ride into the city to catch our first subway ride of our trip, we are asked by two people for directions and reassurance that our bus line connects to the subway station. Grinning to each other, we loved that we didn't look too much like tourists.

From here, I'll skim the surface of our trip because let's face it, I slept a lot, drank a lot, walked a lot, and forgot a lot already. I was nerdy enough to jot down every place we ate at as an informal guide of do/don't based on our trip. Of course we climbed the Empire State Building (104th floor!), saw the remains of Ground Zero, walked through Battery Park, caught a few movies, FAO Schwartz, Central Park, The Apollo in Harlem, got lost a lot, got sore feet, sunburned and moderately well rested. So here it is, our trip from a diner's perspective. :-)

July 4th - Day 1: Check in at our hotel then walk towards the Hudson River to discover lunch at Half King. I had the Shepard Pie- delicious! On the other hand, maybe it's because I han't eaten anything and was ravished that this pie was so great. Anyway, it has a nice patio and hours before fireworks, you'll be swarmed by cops. I think NY has at least one cop for every three people. Fireworks were something to behold. Six barges shooting same-time. y entire peripheral view was filled with a fantastic fireworks display. Later I grabbed a drink and snack at Hounds Tooth. I don't recommend them. My mai tai wasn't right and their MSG Strawberry was retched. Jake's Saloon near our hotel gave me a Blue Island martini which washed away the awful taste of the other place.

Day 2: Near the Guggenheim, we found EAT on Madison Ave. This was my most memorable meal of the entire vacation. I ordered a tomato goat cheese quiche w/ a small side salad. The quiche was awe inspiring. I must find a way to reproduce this at home for myself. Moving on, that evening we accidentally found a sushi place that was recommended to us: DooZo. Just a block from Washington Square, it was understated from the outside but the food was shockingly good. I loved their Mango Tongo so much I went to a table of patrons afterward and recommended it to them before they ordered. The magic of this place is cheap food, good quality, quaint atmosphere. Nuf said.

Day 3: Petite Abielle had the benefit of being next door to our humble Chelsea Inn. I loved this place for breakfast though it got pricey in the menu and choice were limited. But the place was cute, had a patio in the back and great service. While touring Coney Island, Rusty was anxious to eat a Nathan's Famous hot dog. It's a hot dog. I failed to be moved. On our way back into lower Manhattan, we happened upon Crumb Bakery. Ah yes. I got an obnoxiously large cupcake. That night we noshed at Harvest Brewery where I had a great veggie burger and Rusty had a stack of appetizers. And we both had beer.

Day 4: Lunch at Boom Cafe near Wooster and Spring Street, where real Italians eat. The servers are family and speak at least English and Italian, probably French and German too knowing European standards. Rusty was brought nearly to tears at his lasagna. It WAS amazing and I was a bit jealous that I ordered a mere pizza. That evening we boarded a dinner cruise boat the Bateaux. It's a smallish cruise ship with a glass roof, dance floors, decks, and bilingual waitstaff catering to your every need. We got great pictures of the Brooklyn bridge from below, the Statue of Liberty at sunset and of course a sparkling New York skyline with a full moon rising. After the cruise, we wandered toward Times Square again then slowly walked back to our hotel.

Day 5: I think I ate at Petite Abielle again for breakfast. Then Patsy's Pizza for lunch. The pizza here isn't New York style street vendor goodness. It was upscale cuisine and so yummy! I recommend this place BEFORE you do through Dylan's Candy Bar across the street. We spent three hours wandering through MoMA (which wasn't enough time) before pit stopping at the hotel. Now, let me diverge a moment and touch on alcohol. We went to Tailor on our way to find dinner. This trendy bar is worth a visit. They experiment with alcohol making foods and drinks that no other bar does. I came out feeling toasty and happy. Dinner was at Baluchi's, Indian food. Definitely worth a mention, this place was very good food, reasonably priced and progressive atmosphere. Before catching a comedy show, we grabbed drinks at Olive Tree and Caffe Reggio, home of the original cappuccino since 1927.

Day 6: I don't remember breakfast (c-store egg sandwich?) but I do recall Katz Deli for lunch (ya know, where Meg has her fake orgasm) for some authentic New Yorkness. People rushed, the place was packed, there was just enough service to keep you happy, oh and the pastrami is like nothing you'll get anywhere else. And the pickles. We also grabbed some dessert sweets from Russ & Daughters a few doors down. After walking miles and miles, discovering China Town and making one last run through the SoHo/NoHo strip, we had dinner at a sushi dive. Rusty had seen people lining up outside of some sushi shop called Satsuko. Don't bother, it wasn't very good, the place was cramped and nothing original on the menu. Move along people, nothing to see here! We finished our night exploring the area neighboring our hotel and stopping in a bar/restaurant for drinks. I wished the night would not end.

Day 7 We left for Dallas sad that our cool temped days would be harshly replaced by scorched Earth. No more eating at cafes, diners, and fine restaurants. No more waiters, discoveries of interesting foods and meals prepared from scratch for ME. No more $50 lunch bills, I don't miss that. No more hidden treasures and local legends and unique dining. No, we were headed back to Dallas where all coffee is homemade or Starbucks, food is almost always made at home or cost $50 for all four of us at dinner maybe once a week. Back to our normal lives. *sniff* I'm so glad we went to New York City and will forever cherish my memories.

Check out pictures and commentary captions here.

This concludes my marathon NYC post. I'll resume to normal regularly posted blog entries.

Here is my play list of lullabies and songs I sing at night to the boys. In no particular order.

Daisy Daisy
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Rock-a-bye Baby
London Bridge*
Sing a song of sixpence...
Oh my Darling Clementine
Amazing Grace
Where O Where has my little dog gone?
How much is that Puppy...
Are You Sleeping?
Row Row Your Boat
Hush Little Baby
The Ants go marching...

That's all I can think of. Of course a few of these songs have been modified to include names like Joshua and Elliot, and others have been changed to have some historical relevance*. Thus, Rusty doesn't sing anymore.

Today was the funeral mass for Helen Macedon, Rusty's grandmother. She died at Anne & Russ's home on Tuesday morning with family surrounding her in prayer and comfort. It was a lovely Catholic mass followed by a reception. Elliot was quiet and in good spirits. Joshua did not attend though; he was in day school.

I did get sad during the mass but admittedly not for Helen. The funeral mass brought back my feelings of loss for my own father. I'm at peace with Helen's passing having a chance to see her before her last day, knowing she had lived a full life and was ready to end her suffering with cancer and old age. It's in strong contrast to my father's death. He was not done with life and I had not yet made peace with him in our relationship. I'm talking now to a counselor to help me sort things out in my head and find some peace. I think it's going to be a journey though, not a quick fix. Periodically Rusty will tell me he thinks I seem down or distant or unhappy.

On the bright side, we got the left over reception food including lots of cookies. Maybe I'll go have one now. :-)

We have a code word in our home to signify a major accident and/or needing backup immediately. Tonight, from upstairs while I was finishing the post-dinner cleanup, Rusty shouted "mayday! mayday! Sarah, come quick!" Joshua was getting out the bathtub, was wrapped in his towel and somehow tripped on Rusty's foot then slipped on the wet tiles. His hands where wrapped in his towel so he couldn't catch his fall with his hands. Instead, he landed face down busting his lip and chipping a front tooth. He wailed and cried for a long time (about 5 minutes) but after the Tylenol kicked in and his gum stopped bleeding, he ended the evening in good spirits and high energy- the usual. Tomorrow I'll see if his dentist or doctor can look at his teeth to assess the damage.

In lighter news, Josh started his swim class today. He did very good! Today they practiced putting their heads under water, holding breath, and reaching for toys on a ledge in the water. One girl there was a little scared after her first head dunk so she cried the entire session. She begged, pleaded, screamed for her mommy. The mom stayed in the shaded seating area watching, encouraging her some. The teacher was firm saying she (the girl) needed to stop crying. Several times she told her, stop crying, and continued the lessons. This is a tough-love teacher. She doesn't do songs, warm-up games, super enthusiastic (empty) cheers, nor does she waste time with a child who crying to her mother. After all, mom can't always be there and this is a class on how to swim which can be scary for some but it's necessary to face these fears and conquer them. The teacher finally sent the mother away so the girl didn't have anyone to call for. She kept crying but the intensity went decreased after ten minutes or so. Elliot & I watched from the shaded area. It was entirely too hot and supposed to be hotter through the week. Today Elliot told me he was too hot and cried a bit too. Tomorrow I'll bring a Slurpee or smoothie and some snacks for him.

We found an adorable bunny in our backyard this morning then again this evening. This little critter fit right in my palm (that's how tiny he is) and when he was scared he squeaked, just like a dog's chew-toy. Hmmm, bad analogy. I gave him shelter this morning in our house to keep Merlin from attacking him in the backyard. I released him in the front side yard a few hours later but he came back for some reason. Maybe he's waiting for his mother rabbit to find him or something. If he hangs around here too long I'll take him to a wildlife rehabilitation.

Elliot is making new sounds. For milk he says 'mil' and for cat he says 'may-yow'. The way he says it is sooo cute! He can now tell me if he prefers milk or juice. For juice he sometimes says 'oos' and sometimes just points and whines at the bottles. Here's a quick list of all the words he says when he's in the mood to try talking:
momma
dada
pop-pop (grandpa)
mil'
dink (for drink)
nap
night night
oos
osh (for Josh)
'nack (for snack)
nom nom (means I'm eating or I want to eat something yummy)
ewww
may-yow
'og (for dog)
'uck (for duck)
bye
Hi! (he says this clear as a bell)

He's sprouting two canine teeth but those aren't bothering him. He's also over a cold that passed to Rusty. I hope I don't get it too.

Joshua starts swim classes next week. He'll go everyday for two weeks (not weekends) to a private instructor's home. She has an indoor pool. The word is she's a teacher and does swim classes in the summer on the side. I don't care so much about Josh learning to swim per se, I just want him to learn how to not drown. I'm happy if all he does is a doggy paddle.

Finally, some sad family news. My mother's older sister's husband died this evening of a heart aneurysm. It came on suddenly and without warning. They tried surgery but he didn't respond well. Then organs began to fail. He was on life support when his wife and grown children made the decision to take him off. I didn't know him well as I think I met him maybe twice in my life. My mom's sister, Connie, has family nearby to help her through the grief. I'm sad for them even though I wasn't close. Kenny was in his 50s. I'll send a nice scented candle to Connie with a card.

My new favorite breakfast item is what I call at home Apple Sunrise. It's soooo good! And easy!

1 cup apple juice
1/2 cup old fashioned oats, not instant oatmeal

In a small pan bring apple juice to a low boil, add oats, reduce heat then simmer 3-5 minutes. Cool, garnish with cinnamon or apple sauce, and serve.

The first time I made this for Elliot he gobbled it all down then mooched off of my bowl. The second time, he turned up his nose entirely.

I've been better the last few days. I'm less depressed, less weepy. I'm keeping my appointment to see a counselor on Tuesday. I'm hoping she will help me work out my anger issues with my dad and get to the root of why I was so down last week. I've been taking fish oil twice a day and boosting my B vitamins.

On the topic of diet, I did an experiment on Friday of counting all my calories for the day. I was just curious about how much I consume in an average day. For that day, I took in 2007 calories by the kid's bedtimes. Then added two cookies before my bedtime for 120 calories. In all 2127 calories (give or take). Not bad. That explains my steady weight- not gaining, not losing. Here's what I ate that day:

tea w/ sugar
raisin toast
1½ tbsp peanut butter
2 tsp honey
1 Owens sausage biscuit
½ serving Apple Sunrise
chicken thigh
pear
bottle vitamin water
1½ cup milk w/ 2 tbsp Ovaltine
shot of espresso
small ice-cream
chicken casserole*
iced tea
2 chewy chips ahoy cookies

Chicken Casserole
* 2 skinless, chicken breast halves, cooked
* 1 can mixed veggies or 15 oz. frozen mixed veggies, thawed
* 1/2 cup cooked rice
* 3 ounces sour cream
* 1 (10.5 ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup
* 1/8 teaspoon celery salt
* 1/8 teaspoon onion powder
* 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
* salt and pepper to taste
* 1 cup crushed buttery round crackers
* 1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Cut chicken into bite-size pieces.
3. In a large bowl, stir together sour cream, soup, celery salt, onion powder, garlic powder, and salt and pepper to taste. Mix in cooked rice, vegetables and chicken. Spoon mixture into a 9x13 inch casserole dish. In a resealable bag, shake together crushed crackers and melted butter. Sprinkle crackers over the top.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes.

It's only 7pm and I feel wiped. It's been an emotionally wrenching day for me. Funny thing is (that was a pun), I don't have a tangible reason to be sad, yet I cried off and on throughout the day. Silly things brought it on like walking into Elliot's room, grocery shopping, thinking about being depressed, even little frustrations I normally shrug away. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday morning to figure out why I keep clearing my throat (I've been doing that for months and it's straining my vocal cords) and while I'm there I'll bring up my new state of depression. It runs in my family in varying degrees. I've been through depression before lasting several weeks, but this was before kids, before impressionable people watch my every move and question everything I do. I can't break down in front of them without a concrete reason, nor can I shrug my cheerful motherly duties like playing and patiently teaching them. I want to avoid medication if possible. I don't trust medication, I don't want to be dependent and I don't want the expense. I've bought some fish oil and brought out some left over prenatal vitamins to boost my diet. I generally don't like talking to just anyone because I don't know what to say. It's not like one event has caused me sadness that I need to talk to someone about. It's just chemicals or neurons that are making me feel less cheery, dull and sometimes weepy. The best thing for me, for now, is to keep busy. And get plenty of sleep.

Elliot is showing the first signs of actively trying to communicate beyond shrieking and crying. Sometimes he'll say 'dink' for drink, 'nack' for snack, 'cra-cra' for cracker, 'wa-wa' for water, and 'osh' for Josh. Words he's got down are 'mom-ma' and 'da-da'. He's learning a handful of useful phrases like "give it to", "put it", "go to" and so on. So I can say "put the cup on the table" and he'll do just that. Then he'll bring the cup back smiling as if to say, now what? He delights in helping like putting folded diapers in the diaper bin, putting plastic dishes away, cleaning up toy and Tupperware messes, and wiping up with a damp cloth. The last one has to include playing with the cloth as part of the bargain. Giving a hug involves leaning his head in (not using his arms) while giving a kiss is a slimy open mouth experience that only a mother could love.

It's upsetting that the abortion doctor George Tiller was gunned down at his church this weekend. I've given this some thought over the last couple days and think the person who should be to blame for late-term abortions is the customers, not the doctor. It's like being mad at prostitutes who are serving men who want to pay for sex with strangers or being mad at the person who slept with your wife/husband when it's your spouse you should be taking issue with. It makes no sense to shoot a doctor who is trying to serve his customers in a safe, healthy environment. It makes better sense to advocate better adoption services, to speak to young women about choices and consequences, and to have outreach and compassion for mothers who might be faced with a legitimate reason to have a late-term abortion. It saddens me that in an age of advanced education, free access to literature and an age of reason that some Americans still turn to rash violence to make a political point.