After dinner this evening...
"Joshua go upstairs now for bath time. Hurry up." I said this because he was laying on the stairs whining about not wanting to go up. "I'm going to count to five backwards and you better be at the top of the stairs: fiiiive, foooour, threeeeee, twoooooo, oooooone, now getyourbuttinthebath!" He made it to the top by one but he wasn't happy with me rushing him.
"Mommy, you don't count backwards from five," in a pouty tone.
"Fine, I'll count forwards then."
"No, you don't count forwards either," same pouty tone
"Then how should I count?"
"You don't- you should count sideways." And as if on cue, Rusty chimed in,
"Three, three, three, three, three."
This confused Joshua but highly amused me. :-)
What a week- what a weekend!
I spent most of my idle time last week planning Joshua's birthday party. We celebrated on Sunday, the day before his actual birthday. It was a good ole' party with homemade cake, little ice-cream cups, pinata, balloons, food, games, jumping toys and so on. I tried to have a no-gifts birthday but everyone who attended either snuck in something or blatantly disregarded me. After people left Joshua opened his presents, played with everything, then helped me deflate the bouncy house before rain started. He had a great day until dinner time when he proceeded to meltdown. Sadly, he was sent to bed with almost no dinner and no story time. His meltdown was that bad!
But the next day, his actual birthday, was Memorial Day and we all had fun chumming around the house, everyone got extra sleep, and the evening went smoothly.
Today, Joshua went to his four year pediatrician visit. He measures 39 pounds (75th percentile) and 43¼" tall (95th percentile). They tested his vision (about 20/30) and hearing and a few other milestones. He got four vaccines which really hurt. It didn't hurt so bad the last time he got a shot but this time he reacted at the first injection swiping the needle across his leg. For the other three we laid him down while I held his hands and covered his eyes so he couldn't see when it was coming. Poor guy. He was so sad by the end of the ordeal it nearly made me sad! By the time we left the office he was back to normal.
Elliot is beginning to assert himself. It's not always fun. When he gets frustrated at someone he screeches at the top of his voice. I think he sees his brother scream at, well, everyone and decided that was the thing to do. He also hits when he can't have his way. At eighteen months he's too young for time-out so I usually sit him down abruptly and say sternly "no hit!" a couple times then let him be for a minute. That seems to get the message across.
Here's pictures from today. 
I took down the rail off of Elliot's crib. Now he's in a toddler day bed, like his brother. I was expecting him to make a break at bedtime with his new found freedom but he didn't. He rustled around a bit then fell asleep, just like normal. Soooooo not like Josh who escaped every moment he had a chance. I'm sure Elliot will catch on to being ornery like his brother at some point but I do love the easy bedtime tonight!
Famous Joshua Quote of the Day
This morning he put his shoe on the wrong foot. I pointed this out saying two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane. A joke more for myself than for him. He responds:
"Yeah, and two lefts make a train!"
Elliot was diagnosed today as having hand-foot-mouth disease. It isn't really a disease in the sense of ongoing illness or debilitation. It's a viral infection that runs its course for a week then goes away on its own. He's not contagious unless you come into contact with his blood or saliva. Right now he has sores on his tongue and bottom lip and some spots on his butt, knees, feet and palms. He has a distinctly decreased appetite and sharply increased crankiness.
Other than that, he's a healthy boy growing by leaps and bounds. He's nearly 24 pounds, measures 32" tall and hits all the milestones except speaking words, with which he's still short on. The doctor warned that sibling rivalry will increase over the next 6 months as Elliot exercises his will and challenges his brother.
Speaking of his brother, we're planning Josh's birthday party this week. Today Elliot & I bought a couple 2x4 plywood planks and some scrap pine wood. Tomorrow we'll visit a cloth store and get some corn kernels from the grocery store. Can you guess the game we're making?? :-)
In other news, Rusty & I scored another client to host with us. He's a patent lawyer who has three websites, one of which needs a face-lift. We'll meet with him in early June to get ideas for restructuring that website. I also have another web page to put up for Crossley Axminster. This week is busy for us while Rusty takes a Linux certification test, but next week he'll be back working with me on client stuff.
How to Put Two Boys to Bed at the Same Time
While it seems like a daunting prospect, it can be done without tears or tantrums. First bathe them, brush their teeth and get them into pajamas. Some quiet play time and/or children's TV time will help them slow down. Limit both to about twenty minutes max. Explain to the oldest that book time will be read to both at the same time. Repeat this statement until it sinks in and he stops bringing you books. Read one page then pause to get water for both. Resume reading. Three books is sufficient unless you're on a roll and want to go for a forth. Then, make your eldest turn off the lights for song time. Sing two or three songs to the youngest. Lay the younger one down in the crib, say good-night then walk out, with the other kid, leaving the door cracked an inch or so. In the older child's room, turn off their light, sing a few more songs while rubbing their back and/or tummy. Say good-night then walk out leaving the door cracked an inch or so. Linger around the vicinity a few minutes in case one of them has an excuse to get out of bed or make noise. Lastly, reward yourself.
Today was a good Mudder's Day, as Josh says it. We started the day with breakfast at Poor Richard's, then I got my car cleaned by Rusty & Josh (mostly Rusty), I got a pedicure, then a hair cut, then a semi-round of disc golf followed by our usual shenanigans for dinner and bedtime.
Elliot has entered the tantrum phase officially. He's taken to climbing on EVERYTHING! Chairs are only useful to getting on the table. He pulls out the step stool in the kitchen and explores the house, or what area isn't gated. If you take him off a chair enforcing the "no standing" rule, he's likely to either repeat the attempt or yell at you, hit something/someone and/or throw himself to the floor crying. He gets over it pretty quickly. This week he's learned to say 'uh-oh' and 'cra-cra', which means cracker. He knows how to sign 'more' and if he's really thirsty he remembers how to sign "milk". We think he's also said 'ouch' a couple times for minor bonks and bumps.
Elliot is still very different from Josh. Today we took the boys to a nearby park for disc golf and exploring. We pit stopped by a sand box/volley ball court to let Josh play with a couple Hispanic kids. They built a tower that looked like a sand hill. I put Elliot in the sand box too but he walked out, dusted his hands and began climbing on the bleacher seats. He has no interest in getting dirty unless it's splashing in water. Showers? No. Sandboxes? No. Dirt piles? No. Mud pits? No. Puddles? Yes! He likes water to be under him, not shooting at him. He also doesn't like messy food. I'm hoping someday he won't like messy pants and will be potty trained quickly. I can hope, can't I?
"Hey Josh, would you someday like to learn how to dance or learn how to do kung fu?"
"Um, I don't know."
"Well think about it."
"I can't think about that." Then he ran outside and climbed onto the play set.
I received the urn vault in the mail today. I'm thinking I'll write his name on the lid inside and leave the outside unmarked. It's very plain, very unassuming. And a bit larger than I expected. In fact, it's large enough to house two urns comfortably. Maybe someone somewhere someday will want to share his space in the urn vault.
Rusty's birthday was celebrated last week. He had three days of birthday. Wednesday he came home surprised to see workers cleaning the house. It was spotless for about 15 minutes. Thursday we bought his big present, a Kenwood in-dash navigation & digital music system. It also plays movies, which will come in handy during road trips. We had lunch at Jaspers in Plano then margaritas on the patio at Nico's Cocina for dinner. Friday evening I surprised him by taking him out to sushi with some friends while the kids played at Kids Play Two, a drop in child care place. The owner of FujiYama brought out gobs and gobs of sushi. The last two plates had sushi arranged in the shape of 35 with "Happy Birthday" written at top. That was an awesome awesome dinner!
Then I got a cold the next day, Joshua broke the downstairs toilet, and it rained almost all day that Saturday.
By the way, our new toilet is da bomb! It's flapperless (one less part to replace), it's super water efficient, quiet and quick. And way cheaper than the Kohler model. It's a Pegasus Cottage. I give it two bums up! :-P
First of the month is a time for spending in our house. This weekend we bought a new toilet for the downstairs (Joshua broke it on Saturday morning, the punk), Rusty's birthday present (he wanted a car navigation thing), and an urn vault.
The cemetery in Corpus Christi originally wanted to charge us $1600 to place my dad's ashes in the ground. I pointed out that this was a ridiculous price which made the lady review the charges and drop a few things. They're charging us $600 to open the grave site. They require an urn vault to place the urn into before it goes into the ground. I'm not sure why other than to keep the ground from sinking over time or metals polluting the ground?? Anyway, they were going to charge $650 for that. After a quick search online, these are as low priced as $124. I called back to say I'd bring my own vault. I don't want to be cheap about things (if I were I would go at night without permission) but I was also don't want to be swindled. Someday I'll spring for a small head stone or marker of some sort.
This week I'm working on making paper announcements inviting a few people to attend with us. There's a picture of him fishing that everyone seems to love best. I'll have that scanned and printed on cardstock with the announcement folded inside.
We took a day trip to Hugo, OK yesterday. I had stuff to give to Caroline. I also needed some way to physically confine Joshua. His allergies flared up Friday giving him breathing problems that were exacerbated by running and high activity. He's much better today.
I talked to the Roschetzky family several times since this weekend. Robert first called me back on Sunday then Dennis today. These brothers are overwhelming receptive to helping me get Dad's ashes to Jason's grave. Today they signed paperwork putting Jason's plot in my name. I look forward to meeting Robert, Dennis & Fred when we visit the area next month. Meanwhile, the funeral home lady I've been in contact with quoted me a cost of $1650 to do an ash burial ceremony. That's with a tent, chairs, someone designated to place the ashes in the hole, etc. I'm going to push that cost down as far as I can without sacrificing dignity. We probably don't need a tent, don't need chairs, I sort of prefer to pour the ashes myself... I'll be negotiating with a sweet tone. I already explained that we've had a memorial service already so hopefully they'll be accommodating.
It's never as easy as it seems. That's how much of life is like. In this case, I'd like to place my father's ashes in the ground next to Jason, his deceased son. However, the plot of land for that burial is owned by Fred Roschetzky, a somewhat step-father figure to Terry about 40 years ago. He didn't marry my grandmother Betty but he was close enough to the family that Jason's burial plot was put in his name. Now, 35 years later, I'd like to add another family member to that space but I need Fred's permission, or his next of kin's permission. I've found two sons that live in the Corpus Christi area with some help from my Aunt Laura. She remembered a son, Dennis. I left a message with him and will try again tomorrow if he doesn't get back to me.
I got a little sad again a few days ago after talking to a lady from the memorial home in Corpus Christi. I'm not sure what it was that set it off in mind, but I thought about how my dad will be placed next to his first tragic event in life. The next tragic event being his brain tumor. He said he wanted to be placed by Jason and yet later in life he distanced himself from those memories. He once told me that was so long ago it needs to be left to the past. But I think that's his peculiar way of showing how much he cared about him. You see, my dad distanced himself from people he cared about the most, as if his life was some plague that could poison his loved ones. That distancing included me, which as endearing as it may sound with this interpretation, it actually leaves a huge hole of hurt in my heart.
Some day I'll come to better terms with all this. Until then, I've got runny noses to wipe, diapers to change, and little boys to feed.
Tomorrow is Easter so I'm planning to stuff a ton of plastic eggs with various goodies and sprinkle them all over our upstairs. The idea is Josh will wake up, find eggs and start collecting them (and I'm sure eating some of the goodies) before breakfast. I decided a good trade-off was if he gets to have chocolate first thing in the morning, I get to have mimosas with breakfast.
We're expecting rain in the morning. Two lines of thunder storms starting around dawn. This could mean Josh will be up well before I'd like him to be. I just hope he doesn't get scared of thunder, thus ruining the Easter cheer.
The champagne is chilling.
In other news, I've been trying to find some street wear shoes for a couple weeks. After visiting half a dozen stores, I still haven't found a pair. It's not that I'm picky (though I am a little), but rather it's that I have wide feet and I'm tired of stuffing my feet into too narrow shoes resulting in unbearable pain. My minimum requirement is to walk two miles without getting a foot ache. My slip-on shoes from Skechers are too loose and my street shoes, also Skechers, are too narrow. I like Skecher's style but I've struck out two times in a row. The six stores I've been to carried only a couple of wides, limiting me to "ugly" or "jogging" shoes, neither of which I'm looking for. And don't get me started on color choices of pink, white or pink. Ugh! Today I decided it was time to try the men's side. I started looking for men's shoes that would fit me but my search ended abruptly when Josh started running around the store and knocking down boxes.
Also new this week: we got a new bedroom! Furniture arrived on Wednesday. Our bedroom went from college grade furnishing to "grown up" furnishing. Ya know, furniture that has a wood back, not cardboard. A bed frame that is solid and not secured with a few zip ties. Stuff that we didn't have to assemble! Lamps and art work from Ikea to tie the room together (no rug), and a new duvet cover coming from Amazon next week. We've been planning this and saving for it for a long time. Thank goodness for Norwalk Furniture's going out of business sale and our stimulus from Uncle Sam.
Today was the neighborhood's Easter Egg Hunt. Elliot doesn't trust the bunny and I had to tell a joke to make Josh smile. But this picture came out just right.
My life is about to change!! I told myself I would start looking for a new job this summer as I’m ready to re-enter the work force. I’ve already started updating my online resume and contacting a few companies by job boards. Boy did I get lucky! I contacted this office based in Dallas, McCann FitzGerald, thinking they might need a part-time receptionist but the position was filled. Then the HR guy called me back saying they had another position and would I like to apply for that? Sure, I said, I’m open to about anything. Turns out, this is a Project Management position for their overseas branch in Dublin! I seem to be perfectly qualified and they’ve interviewed me by phone two times. This morning, the HR guy called again saying they want to interview me in person and want to fly me out to Dublin on Monday. If I get the job, we’ll relocate to Ireland. Rusty says he’s excited for this opportunity for me.
Speaking of Rusty, a bit of shocking and bad news. He’s been having nerve problems with his arms intermittently but recently it real bad. He went to the doctor yesterday to have him look at it- turns out he has "paresthesias" and may have to have his thumb removed! On the right hand. His left hand is ok so far. The surgery is scheduled for next month. He’s a little sad about this, understandably, but I’m sure we’ll adapt fine.
Elliot surprised everyone by saying his first sentence this weekend. We were all at dinner when out of the blue he said, “I’m done with dinner. Pass me my milk please.” Then he proceeded to drop his food on the floor like he always does at the end of a meal. All three of us stared in silent amazement for what seemed by seconds. We tried to get him to say something, anything, but refused.
Last night I read one of my favorite bedtime stories to Joshua for the first time, Shakespeare’s Hamlet. It’s a quick read, easy language, and beautiful prose. He especially liked the line "Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue. Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue." He stayed awake for the entire reading. I’m so glad he’s finally getting some classic culture.
For the second night this week Joshua has boycotted dinner. So we just let him go without dinner. No snacks, no extra glasses of milk, certainly no dessert. Tonight Rusty dished up some wonderful stew. He's eaten stew in the past but tonight he turned up his nose- I don't like it! Fine, we said, then sit here until dinner is over. After attempts to trick him, bride and convince him to eat (all attempts = fail) we wrapped up his bowl preparing to serve it again for breakfast. He can have toast and stew for breakfast. Except I'll try to make the stew look more appetizing. Maybe if I make a funny face or picture with it he'll be more willing. I'll also stop giving him snacks before dinner. :-/
Both boys are running amuck right now. If treadmills weren't such a hazard I might consider one for them!
I keep staring at a picture of stacked brownies thinking I should try for once in my life to make brownies from scratch. I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I keep thinking if I get "back to the basics" I'll understand and appreciate the conveniences in life. Or maybe I'll regret it half way through when Josh pesters me by insisting on helping while Elliot is begging to be picked up. I don't need all those calories and fat anyway.
Before I get sucked into working on a client's brochures, I have to share a few of the cute things about Joshua.
* He likes the Christmas song 'Deck the Halls' so much, we're still singing it.
*He mishears words in songs, such as:
- Row row your boat; gently down the stream; merrily merrily; life about a dream
- Daisy daisy; give me your answer do; I'm half crazy...; But you'll look sweet; get on the seat; of a bicycle built for two
- Twinkle twinkle little star; how I wonder what you are; up a up a world so high...
* He has no reservation in telling you he's just farted. He usually giggles when making this announcement.
* He gets lost in conversation sometimes. An example: "Mom, can I have a candy?" "No sweety, it's almost dinner time." "But I wanna have one now!" "Have you had dinner yet?" "No" "Then what's the answer?" "Um, I don't know."
Elliot is also very cute in his own toddler way. He's recently discovered how to climb ladders, in particular the ladders in our backyard leading to the slides. He's still wobbly so I spot him. Here's some pictures I snapped quickly while he was practicing.
This weekend is a community garage sale and I'm selling stuff. That will keep me busy tomorrow as I pull things out and price them. I'm selling clothes Elliot's out grown along with some general household things. I'm hoping for some more room in our garage more so than the extra money.
I've received several well wishes, calls and cards from friends, neighbors, and family in the last couple of weeks. Thank you all for your sympathy.
My dad's ashes are resting on the mantle in a sealed black box mailed to me from the crematorium in Denver. On one side are his glasses, the other side is the jar of Jason's grave dirt. We're going to take his ashes to Corpus some time in late Spring when Rusty's work schedule lightens up and the beaches are warm enough for the boys to make sand castles and mud pies. I've stopped having terrible dreams about my father's death. I still want a few answers but those will come in time. Nell still calls me. She's still very distraught, sobbing on the phone looking for some comfort. Her calls stress me out a little and drag down my spirits but I take her calls anyway. She needs someone to talk to who's been through all the details of the past year and that someone is me. It's an adjustment for me. I was so used to her calling to complain about my dad or seek marital advice or give me updates on his well being. Now it's just missing him and coping with the new crater of emptiness in her life. She has her small urn of ashes in her room and talks to him sometimes.
As for me, my life is full of friends, family and neighbors who preoccupy my time and attention.
I still rotate my emotions. If I think about things enough (or get caught up in a phone call with a well wisher) I begin feeling either angry or mournful. The sad feelings will go away in time but I think there's some anger issues that may simmer for awhile until I confront them somehow. I feel like I didn't get enough of him when he was alive no matter what I tried to do. He was absent for the most part in some form: physically, emotionally, soberly. There are stories he promised to tell me someday. And there were plans to go fishing with his grandsons some day. It's not his fault these things won't happen, but it will weigh on me for some time.
I don't wear my stress and melancholy on my shoulder. If I say I'm doing fine and feeling fine and moving on, it's true. It's when I'm writing in my journal (aka blog) or confiding with a close friend that my feelings surface. Then they go back below until my mind quiets and wanders that direction.
On that note, in the spirit of Facebook, Sarah is going to watch the movie "The Other Boleyn Girl" and have a snack.
I can't escape the nagging voice in my head urging me to post my feelings following my father's death. I have mixed feelings, some left over from before his death. Surprisingly, I find that I don't dwell on things in the day. In the day, my life is back to normal taking care of business, the kids, the home, playing with them, running errands, being with friends. But at night my mind drifts back to my dad. Less this weekend than last weekend and earlier this week. I suppose the best place to begin sorting out my mess of emotions is to start with the past.
For years there has been a growing tension within myself against my dad. Mostly directed at his behavior as a result of his drinking. Ten years ago he traveled to Dallas to give me away at my wedding. We had a dance, posed for pictures, then the rest of my wedding is a blur of friends and events. For about five years I fell out of touch with my dad. He moved from place to place not having a mobile phone or stable address. And I was busy being young and care-free. (Boy are those days gone!) Then somehow I reconnected with him either through my grandmother getting his number or something like that. For several more years I called him on holidays or special occasions, never having anything profound to say, just keeping tabs. He drifted from girlfriend to girlfriend, moving when the job moved. (He was a building construction supervisor.) Then I got pregnant with Josh and hoped he would be motivated to come out and see his grandson, and us, in Dallas. I gave him eleven months then went to Colorado to see family and let him meet Josh. I continued to urge him to find the time to come out for a weekend trip or do it during a holiday break. First he said he didn't have enough money. Then he didn't have time. Then he was busy taking care of his mother who had lung cancer. All seemed valid reasons so I didn't push the issue. After Betty passed away, my dad got a little of her inheritance so I again urged him to find some time to come out to see us. He promised he would make the trip to see us so I was filled with hope only to have that dashed away. He came as close as Lubbock to visit my mom and some old friends but ended up going back to Denver. The day I heard he went back home without telling me or making the attempt to see us made me feel unimportant. I felt like I was less important to him than his drinking (which he did a lot of in Lubbock), less important than his ex-wife of 12 years, less important than the life he complained about in Denver. And now having Elliot, I was feeling anger on their behalf that he didn't act like a typical grandfather. He never mailed birthday cards, holiday cards, called us, any of that. He was a deadbeat grandfather. I was the one doing the work to keep us connected. And when I realized my efforts where not being reciprocated I felt a chill in my heart towards my dad. I suddenly cared less about how he was doing being consumed by my quiet anger. I never did broach the topic with him.
Terry left Lubbock suddenly because he felt "off". He once had cholesterol and high blood-pressure problems so he had left over medication for that but didn't have it with him. He also had a raging headache. He went to his doctor in Denver who eventually determined my dad had a brain tumor. Brain tumors seem to run in the family among heavy smokers. I'm sure this was hard news for my dad to take. He didn't tell me when he found out. Instead, he married an old friend of his, Nell. From my perspective it seemed like a rushed move. I didn't know who Nell even was until I got a drunken voicemail from my dad saying he got married and was sorry. He apologized twice. I called back worried that he'd fallen in with a bar wench or maybe got drunk and married unintentionally. Why else would he sound so sorry? He didn't answer so I left him a message only to have Nell call me back, introduce herself and explain that she wasn't a fling. My dad didn't talk to me then but he did call me a day or two later, this time with Nell apparently sitting with him. I could hear her saying in the background, "You gotta tell her Terry."
"Tell me what, dad?"
"Ah it's nothing..."
"Terry, talk to your daughter!"
"Tell me what, dad?"
"Well, I'm sick baby. You know I've had poor health in the past and so I went to the doctor for a check up and he... -big sigh- he found that I have a brain tumor."
"No you don't. Come on, seriously." I didn't want to believe him.
"No, I ain't making this up."
"Well where in your head is it? How big is it? Are you going to have it removed?"
"I've got it under control, I don't want you to worry about it."
"Did he give you a time line?"
"He did."
"And??"
"I got maybe a few months baby," he began crying on the phone, which made me cry because my dad never cries. This meant it was serious. I don't remember how the conversation ended but it disturbed me. I had so many questions, so many worries, I even began thinking about how his funeral would be. This was eleven months ago.
I pressed my dad to tell me about his tumor. I wanted to know where it was in his head so I could be prepared to effectively help him. I wanted to know if it was big or small thinking maybe if it were small it could be removed and I would be willing to pay for that. I wanted to know who his doctor was because my dad wouldn't tell me anything. Those wonderful HIPAA laws would've prevented that anyway. I got no information at all, and neither did his wife Nell. So over the months Nell would call concerned when my dad fell or his speech slurred or he acted uncharacteristic. Some of the uncharacteristic stuff was just him feeling needy or being the raging alcoholic that he was, that she was unprepared for. Even though I was angry that he stood me up never making that trip to see us, I was back to being concerned for him and ready to spring into action if he needed help.
Months went by, mostly getting calls from Nell who updated me on his antics and behavior. He had become verbally abusive, which is very uncharacteristic of my dad. He would cuss Nell out calling her terrible things. I would counsel Nell on the phone giving her reassuring words, ideas to cope and reminding her she was doing the very best job anyone could expect.
Then my dad started thinking about suicide. It started as conversations with Nell, just talking about it as an option. Then he tried a few ways. I'm sure he tried blood alcohol poisoning, a maneuver I would have expected. Then he got more bold. He sat in his Jeep breathing in fumes. He overdosed on medication. Both of these stunts landed him in a hospital for mental observation. The last time he was released from the hospital he tried to move back in with Nell. She was at her wits end with his behavior and wasn't coping with the stress of his alcoholism. She asked him for some time to think, some space. She wanted to talk to him about their relationship. My dad decided instead that he was done and concocted his final suicide attempt.
Something else angered me before his death but I'm less upset by it now. The first time my father was hospitalized, he told the staff he had no family, no wife. The case worker told me this asking why he might say this. I was baffled as to why. It did bother me at the time. It makes sense now that he didn't want to be found or helped. I presume he wanted to be released so he could make another attempt. But his nosy quick-thinking daughter found him.
I was shocked to hear he had chosen to hang himself. That wasn't his style. I'm thinking he must have been desperate. I know his head was hurting more and more according to Nell. I also know my dad had a general mistrust of doctors. His cousin also had a brain tumor but had his operated on. However, he died a few days later in the hospital. I think my dad knew he wouldn't survive his tumor, by doctor or not, and wanted to go out his own way when he was ready.
But there's a piece I still need to really understand my dad. He had always been a bit depressed using alcohol as his drug of choice. When he was drinking he was happy. I want to know if he used the tumor as an excuse to be done with life or if he genuinely couldn't remove the tumor. Was he so stubborn that operating was never an option? Was it an option? Some tumors expand out like spaghetti or are located in areas that can't be reached without compromising the person. Because I don't know anything about my dad's tumor, I don't know his motivations. Suicide was never something he would have considered when I knew him growing up. Had something changed? Maybe age? Or losing his mother a year ago? I have no doubt that the tumor would have killed my father eventually. I just don't know if that could have been prevented. I'm already sad that he's gone. But if I learn he avoided medical attention that could have prolonged his life, I may be a little disappointed in him as well.
Something else about my dad's death bothers me. He was talking to Nell on the phone asking her to let him stay with her but also blaming her for trivial stuff. When it was clear that she was firm on needing her space that night, he said, "Well f*ck it, I'll just do it." She said she heard a muffled thump then didn't hear anything else. She was concerned about him but didn't know what to think of the thump. He had been known to falling so this was a possibility. Perhaps he had dropped the phone. Or perhaps he was pretending in order to get her attention. She let it go and went to sleep. The next morning he was discovered. I want to know why my dad decided he needed to be on the phone talking to Nell about their relationship while he was standing ready to kill himself. Why would he do that to her? Why wouldn't he do it alone like he'd tried the other times? It seems apparent now that he had planned this. He didn't just suddenly decide to off himself like someone with a gun might do. No, this was planned. He'd spent time thinking about it. He gathered his rope or wire or whatever he used. I'm sure he determined the structural stability testing that it would hold his weight and not be too short. He made his noose. He even manged to get the noose over his head while talking to Nell on the phone. He was making the decision to do this and do it while talking to her. Why??
I feel bad for Nell that she'll probably always have a little guilt that if she'd said something different maybe he would have lived a little longer. But he was going to do it- it was just a matter of time.
After the viewing, I haven't cried about my dad's death. I've given it more thought while also moving on with my life. I feel a little relieved knowing where he is now, that he's not hurting, that he's not getting into trouble. All the stress about his mental state and well being are lifted. He is where he wanted to be in his last moment alive. He wanted to get it over with. I regret that I didn't make a trip out to see him before he died. However, maybe it's better that I wasn't around. No father is going to talk to his child about his death. Certainly not my father. And I don't blame him for that.
I will miss my father and I'm sad that he's really gone. I think he would have wanted me to move on in life, to not dwell on his passing. I am doing that. But I am also collecting some of his things and pictures to make a nice memorial box so that some day his grandsons can look at their grandfather's pictures and see a few relics of his. I hope someday to understand him a little better so I can help my sons learn who he was and maybe learn something from his life.
In two parts, here is the first account of this week following my dad's death.
This week has been a whirlwind for me. Monday mid-day I got a call that my father hung himself at a hotel near his home. I was driving the boys home at the time, a mere mile from home. I had to pull over and cry for a minute or two before driving again. I called Rusty along the way. Once home, I didn't care about anything that needed to be done. Elliot needed his nap, Josh needed a drink, but all I wanted to do is be alone. I somehow rocked Elliot for a few minutes then laid him down. It wasn't a proper nap routine so he cried a bit in his crib and I didn't care. Josh helped himself to water from the sink then said he needed to take a rest. By some miracle both boys took a nap. I called my mom and great aunt Caroline sobbing to both of them.
Rusty came home to give me comfort and support. I began calling people, planning a trip to Denver and canceling out of all my obligations for the week. By dinner we had a plan to leave first thing in the morning driving to Denver in my father-in-law's SUV.
Tuesday we drove all day long with my great aunt Caroline. The boys were great. Caroline and I swapped stories about family and tried to rationalize what had just happened.
Wednesday we waited for things to happen. People were still traveling in, I was still making calls, and the boys needed to play. We divided our time between a pocket park, shopping for necessities, and hanging out at the hotel. That afternoon Caroline and I met up with Nell, my dad's wife of one year, and her son and daughter-in-law James and Cris. We talked to Nell about the events leading up to Terry's suicide and about the call she got that night. I also looked at paperwork for the cremation, police reports, and death certificate. That was hard. Cris had begun corresponding with the cremation people so I let her take the lead and keep me informed. We made informal plans to have a family memorial and viewing for the next day. By evening, my mom arrived and Raymond got in late.
Thursday we started the day with a family breakfast at some diner near the hotel. We looked at pictures and reconnected. I was waiting to hear from Cris since they didn't join us for breakfast as when we would have access to a Moose Lodge for the memorial. We toiled at the pocket park until the wind and chill was too much then relocated to my Aunt Laura's condo. Meanwhile I also made my own arrangements for the memorial to be at a restaurant in downtown Denver. I called several places closer to the hotel but they were booked or didn't have sufficient staff for such short notice. I got a call from Nell who told me the viewing would be in twenty minutes at the cremation place. She was misinformed but I didn't know it at the time. I called the cremation place for their address to learn the viewing was not only not scheduled yet but needed Nell's signature and payment before we could view. Feeling frustrated that Nell's side of family was unorganized and not keeping us informed, I scheduled the viewing myself for the earliest possible time, Friday at noon. We drove to the cremation place to get waivers and ultimately paid for the cremation. It was Laura who paid. We were certain Nell's children would not be able to pay before the viewing.
After the cremation place, we decided to drive by Nell's home to see where my dad used to live. We didn't go in but just took in the area. After that, we freshened up at the hotel then headed to the restaurant for our memorial. Nell was supposed to join us but there was a miscommunication that she would not. I am still angry about that. Her son and daughter-in-law did show up a bit late. We had a small private room where we spoke about all the things we loved about Terry, remembered his life and made a couple short speeches. Then my mom proceeded to get me completely drunk.
Friday, the next morning, we were granted permission to my dad's belongings and inside his home. My great aunt Caroline and I spent some time in his room taking in his essence. I took a small jar of dirt with me, his cap and his belt as mementos. Caroline took the shirt he was wearing when he was discovered and a hair brush. Afterwards we went to the viewing. He looked more peaceful than I imagined. Then we drove back to Dallas. We were on the road all day and most of the night. Rusty drove the bulk of the trip getting in at 4am. Caroline crashed on our couch then drove back to Hugo, OK the next morning.
Life is going back to normal. I still have dreams about the events of this week and about my dad. I have mixed emotions but I'm handling things well. I'll blog about the emotional side of this week later on.
We're going to Denver tomorrow. Rusty managed to borrow his dad's suv which seats us four plus one extra. I'm better now but if I think too much about things I get sad again. Rusty has sleeping pills for me on my bedside. I've been on the phone all day since Nel called.
The memorial hasn't been set yet but it's looking like Wednesday afternoon or early Thursday.