Good God of Grief! Joshua can be such a handful sometimes! This morning I restrained from boiling the baby. What should have take a simple 5 minutes to write a note to his teachers took 15 minutes from his constant interruptions and mischief. He unwound a paper towel roll and tore it up into tiny bits across his room then proceeded to rip apart the inner tube after playing it like a horn. I gladly tossed him into school for my own sanity and his well being.



From Jeff Vogel's "The Poo Bomb"
Having a baby around makes it much harder to manage the voices in my head. I mean, before, they just told me to do horrible things to myself and my wife. But my wife knows Tae Kwon Do and could kick my ass, and I can’t do anything painful to myself because I’m a big pussy. So that was all right.

But now I spend all of my time having internal conversations like:

Me: “Oh, hell. Did I remember to put out the diapers so the service can pick them up?”
Inner voice: “Boil the baby.”

Or,

Me: “Phew. She’s finally asleep. I can get some work done.”
Inner voice: “Boil the baby.”

Or,

Me: “I’m hungry. I sure could use a ham sandwich.”
Inner voice: “Boil the .... wait. Did you say ham?”
Me: “Mmmmm. Sandwich.”
Inner voice: “Mmmmm. Sandwich.”
Me: “Better clean this plate.”
Inner voice: “Put the baby in the dishwasher.”