I made an entry months ago about how I loved breastfeeding Josh. Those were the good days. Feeding him was simple: he would be hungry, I would put him to the breast for ten minutes, he’d barf all over the place- it was great! I even remember a time when he would fall asleep laying on the Boppy after feeding him. I was trapped, unable to get up or move around because I didn’t want to wake him up. And that didn’t bother me. I’d sit in the rocker staring at his tiny body and face and watch a movie. At one time I didn’t want to give Josh a bottle of anything, especially if it wasn’t homemade. We had timing and a routine. I looked forward to feeding him in the morning when he was hungry and at night when he’d fall asleep after feeding. (He still does that. The last meal of the evening, if he’s breastfeeding, he’ll fall sleep on my shoulder softly letting out a wee burp. He slumps over my shoulder surrendering to sleep before we ever get off the sofa. I take that short moment to enjoy the last of the closeness we have. It reminds me that he’s a good little guy and he loves his parents no matter what kind of a day we’ve had.)

Now things are all different. He’s popped a second tooth on the bottom which makes breastfeeding not fun anymore. Increasingly, I feel like I’m about to place my nipple in a bear trap when nursing him. Occasionally he does nip me (like last night) which results in a yelp from me, maybe a curse word- he cries because all he wants is to be fed and doesn’t understand why I get all upset and look angry. It takes me a moment to calm him down, calm myself down, then get back the courage to try it again. Breastfeeding puts me on edge more than ever. I’ve been pushing solid foods more and more these days preparing to wean him from chewing on my breasts. On the weekends I alternate with a bottle of formula, which I detest. Aside from the teething woes, I have a “bad mommy” secret behind my motivation to get him on solids and a bottle sooner: LASIK.

I was supposed to have LASIK last year September for my birthday. I went through the orientation, had all the paperwork, money set aside, dates reserved, time off from work authorized- I was ready! Then I found out I was 2 months pregnant. Mere days before my appointment, I had to cancel everything. Josh came and I hoped I could get it done then. Alas, no. The valium they use stays in the body for 6 weeks and a trace of it gets in the breast milk so I wasn’t able to do it over the summer either. But now- now that Josh is eating solids and taking a bottle- now I can return to plans for LASIIK. This comes with the price of guilt though. I feel a little guilty weaning him for the purposes of my own vanity. It’s a selfish reason to wean him early. A “good mommy” would patiently wait until her baby was done breastfeeding on her child’s schedule and then do whatever she felt she needed to do. It’s not like I have major surgery or a medical need to do this. I have lots of other reasons. But getting mad at him chewing on me isn’t healthy, nor is feeling a little afraid to breastfeed healthy.

The current plan is to schedule an appointment, do it soon, force myself to wean him onto a bottle and solids. I have milk in the freezer for him to have on occasion. I’ll “pump and dump” a couple times a day after the procedure in order to keep my milk supply. Then, when the valium is out of system, offer to breastfeed him only twice a day- morning and evening. Maybe by then he’ll be less likely to bite me and I’ll be eager enough to go back to the simple days that my fears of biting will be allayed.