Tonight is quiet except for the washing machine, dryer and dishwasher all doing my work for me. The kids are in bed and Rusty is on an airplane going to Pasadena, CA for work this week. I'm jealous he gets maid service, to eat out, sleep in a little and do non-domestic stuff for a few days. I know he's busy working in the day but... I'll get over my jealousy. Maybe I'll take myself out on a self-date next weekend. Just me and a movie ticket.

Meanwhile I've got quick healthy meals planned for the week, stuff to work on, a few shows recorded for the evenings, and a whole bed to myself. Maybe things won't be so bad.

Nel called this evening while I was driving Rusty to the airport. I hesitated whether to answer or not but decided to take the call. I wish I hadn't since it distracted my driving and cut into my last minutes with Rusty before his flight. She was feeling sad about my dad again. She just wanted someone to talk to. I told her I'm seeing a counselor to help deal with my grief and suggested she consider that, but I doubt she will. She gave me two excuses which tells me it's not her thing for whatever reason. She refuses anti-depressant drugs and refuses professional help. I hope she realizes she's not going to get a gold medal for toughing this out. Anyway, she sobbed for a bit telling me how hard it is, that she misses him, that she had no idea it would be this hard, that they had a good thing for a while. She said, "I don't know how you can be so calm. You just don't get it." She means I don't understand her loss, and she's right. I told her she had a passionate love for my dad and I did not. I had a familial love. It stands to reason that her grief will be so different, so much more intense. It also helps that when she calls I happen to be thinking of other things at the time (like driving) and not dwelling things like she is. I have no doubt that if Rusty vanished from my life that I would crumble inward much like her. The difference though, or so I speculate, is that I would seek help from all directions and find some purpose in life to keep going, like raising our children.

Her children are grown, so without professional help or medication or some new purpose, I'm at a loss for suggestions for her. So I just listen, taking it all in, offering words of comfort and hope I don't miss my exit.



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