It's only 7pm and I feel wiped. It's been an emotionally wrenching day for me. Funny thing is (that was a pun), I don't have a tangible reason to be sad, yet I cried off and on throughout the day. Silly things brought it on like walking into Elliot's room, grocery shopping, thinking about being depressed, even little frustrations I normally shrug away. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday morning to figure out why I keep clearing my throat (I've been doing that for months and it's straining my vocal cords) and while I'm there I'll bring up my new state of depression. It runs in my family in varying degrees. I've been through depression before lasting several weeks, but this was before kids, before impressionable people watch my every move and question everything I do. I can't break down in front of them without a concrete reason, nor can I shrug my cheerful motherly duties like playing and patiently teaching them. I want to avoid medication if possible. I don't trust medication, I don't want to be dependent and I don't want the expense. I've bought some fish oil and brought out some left over prenatal vitamins to boost my diet. I generally don't like talking to just anyone because I don't know what to say. It's not like one event has caused me sadness that I need to talk to someone about. It's just chemicals or neurons that are making me feel less cheery, dull and sometimes weepy. The best thing for me, for now, is to keep busy. And get plenty of sleep.

1 comments:

Mom said...

Let me know what the doctor says. Call me anytime kiddo.

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