How to Lose Your Wife in the Night
-waking up five times in four hours-
  • First, wait until your overly exhausted wife passes out before 9pm.
  • Wait an hour then narrate some incident that she probably doesn't care about
  • Go to bed as usual while making noise in the bathroom. It's most effective to pretend to be quiet while closing drawers, running water full blast and dropping stuff.
  • After you climb into bed, wait a little bit for her to fully fall asleep again then gently rub your wife's back and thighs. Don't take her rejection personally.
  • As you doze off to sleep, prop your head in such a way as to produce the maximum volume of snoring. She may kick you or punch you in the ribs, so don't give up- keep your mouth open.
  • If all of this doesn't work, having your 15 pound cat jump on your wife finally will. She will leave the room grumbling and sleep deprived allowing you to hog the warmth of the entire bed for the remainder of the night.
Mission accomplished!


katzenjammy said...

Here's what you do:
Get a foam earplug and cut it in half. Jam one piece in each ear when you go to bed (half an earplug 'cause you can't sleep with an whole earplug in each ear, trust me).
You won't hear the baby when he wakes in the night, but that's OK -- Rusty will and can wake you up.



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